So I just assume they want to know about me. Now, these may not be the correct textbook answers, but there’s a reason I’m not the secretary of agriculture.
What got you into farming as a career?
A C- average, poor communication skills, an optimistic attitude, and I lost a bet.
What is the name of your favorite cow?
What’s the difference between a range cow and a dairy cow?
Maintenance. A dairy cow would be the Kardashians, and a range cow would be Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies.
What is a Guernsey cow?
A Guernsey cow is a cow born looking for a place to die.
What is a Jersey cow?
A Jersey cow is an above-average tall goat.
What is a Holstein cow?
A walking feed wagon.
Have you ever been cow tipping?
No. But, one time I tossed some extra change into a hotel pool full of sumo wrestlers.
Where does chocolate milk come from?
Chocolate milk comes from brown cows. These brown cows are carbon neutral, and you should drink a gallon of chocolate whole milk every day to save the planet.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the chicken was previously standing in a fowl-smelling area. Chocolate milk eliminates bad odors.
Do only bulls have horns?
No. Cows have horns along with cars, trains, orchestras and clowns.
What’s the difference between a redneck and a farmer?
What is an acre?
An acre is the pain you feel after a cow kicks you in the thigh. It’s also a measurement used by banks and lenders to keep farmers’ bank accounts thin.
What is a ground hog?
Why does asparagus make my urine smell funny?
Because you’re not drinking enough chocolate whole milk.
Why do you keep mentioning chocolate whole milk?
Because I forgot to stop by the store.
When will your farm be carbon neutral?
Two days after the day my brother quits eating breakfast burritos.
Where do you get your water from?
If it’s still early, as far away from my brother as I can.
Are you organic?
I think so. I wasn’t planned, but my mom gave birth to me.
Do the bulls ever complain?
Only when my brother eats breakfast burritos without chocolate milk.
What is the difference between cow manure and bull manure?
Cow manure is the manure used to grow vine-ripe tomatoes, and bull manure is BS.
Where do cows go when they die?
When cows die, they go to the “meadow in the sky” we call Freezer Camp. They hang out with other animals like chickens, pigs, turkeys and fish. It’s a total farm setting.
Do you discipline your cows?
Yes. We tell them about Freezer Camp.
What would you say to anti-agricultural vegan activists?
I’d say good luck surviving on a piece of cardboard for every meal. But, then again, that cardboard was made by tree farmers. Bon appetit!!
PHOTO: Courtesy of Tim Moffett.
Check Tim out at Tim the Dairy Farmer and please follow him on Facebook.