One of the unwritten rules that city people live by is that if you haven’t heard a rumor by 10 o’clock in the morning, then you are supposed to start one. Ordinarily, I don’t care about such gossipy town talk, unless it’s about me of course, but years ago my wife and I were the victim of a very damaging rumor. And it was started by none other than the local police in the town where we leased a ranch.

The key to a successful auction is speed, which builds the auctioneer’s best friend: momentum. Never give buyers the opportunity to think rationally; that’s the theory. But there are people who act as auction speedbumps. Here are a few. Two Bits – This bidder always wants to cut the bid. If the auctioneer is taking $100 bids he’ll offer $50; if it’s 10 cents he’ll offer a nickel, all of which makes the auctioneer chant tongue-twisting numbers he wouldn’t ordinarily use.

One of my favorite magazines is the National Junior Livestock Exhibitor, and it’s not just because they have carried my column for years. It’s just that underneath my cowboy exterior lies the heart of a steer jock. I enjoy looking at pictures of winning show steers. I always have. While other boys’ bedrooms were filled with pictures of baseball players, every spare inch of my room was covered with newspaper and magazine clippings of winning show steers. Even after I reached puberty – about my first year of college, I think it was – I thought more of steers than I did girls. I’ve had more dates with Angus than I ever did with women.

Some people are just an accident waiting to happen. Take my friend ReRide for example. Getting hurt is ReRide’s “Achilles heel,” which is about the only part of his body he hasn’t broken, strained, cut, burned or shattered. Not that I go around checking out other males’ anatomies or anything, but a mere glimpse of ReRide’s carcass is enough to make any woman become a nun. Years ago, we were working our calves and since we had all day to process 100 head, about mid-morning we decided to take a well-deserved break.

I’m a hot and cold kinda guy. I can be soaring with eagles one minute and pecking dirt with the chickens the next. One minute I’m on top of the world, and the next minute it’s coming to an end. I just knew that when the clocks struck midnight on 2000, we were all gonna die. I’m always either overly optimistic or overly pessimistic. There’s no cruising down the middle of the road for me, no sir; a guy could get killed in a grisly accident driving down the middle of the road. See what I mean about my negativity?

On most days I can look out the back windows of my house and see two ducks that mean the world to me. They are not your typical ducks in that they have taken up permanent residence in our yard, never fly away when the weather doesn’t agree with them, despite the fact that I hardly ever feed them, and they don’t leave behind any messes. They are the perfect pets. Did I mention they are also made of concrete? I’m fortunate in that I got to know two of my great-grandmas. I loved them both dearly, and so when their possessions were scattered to the four winds I grabbed the concrete ducks that sat in each of their respective yards. Every time I see them a smile creeps across my face, and I’m reminded of the special occasions when my mom’s family would gather at our house and my two great-grandmas, Nora and Grace, would sit three feet apart and not say a word to each other.

As a man’s marriage matures, his attitude toward going shopping evolves. • Before marriage: When a man first dates a woman, he tries to hide the fact that they have absolutely nothing in common. Even though the only shopping he likes is for guns, tractors, trucks, tools, horses and bulls, he tries to fake it by saying that yes, he’d love to go stand around while she shops in Victoria’s Secret and holds up underwear for his approval.

Americans love wrecks. This explains the popularity of demolition derbies, the Three Stooges, professional bull riders, NASCAR and Hollywood marriages. In the auction business, we too have our share of wrecks. When auctioneers use the term, it refers to a sale that’s so bad no one will get paid. A typical auction wreck was the time we had a horse sale at an auction market and one of the consignors decided to ride his horse into the auction ring rather than lead it in like everyone else was doing.

If you want to live a long time, I have some good advice for you. Stay away from doctors. Before health insurance was invented most people did just fine living on prunes and proverbs. No prescriptions. With this in mind, I have collected the following cowboy cures and home remedies.

I’m about to enjoy my 60th Christmas on Earth and yet there are still many things about the holiday that I don’t understand, such as: Who is good King Wenceslas and what does he have to do with Christmas? Does figgy pudding taste as bad as it sounds? When people “Come A-Wassailing” are you expected to feed them?