I know what you are thinking. The same thing I was when I saw the news proclaiming Speedo has invented the world’s fastest swimsuit. Yes, practical fashion at last.

I don’t know if it will have an impact equal to the invention of the men’s fly. That was earth-shattering! Of course they didn’t need it in the days of the loincloth and toga. Then people had more time because they hadn’t invented the wristwatch. Bathroom breaks were longer. No one knew if you were late. Did you ever hear two 3-year-old kids say, “Well, it’s getting late,” or a turtle say, “Well, it’s time to go!”

In the days of the Roman gladiator, when the urge struck, a soldier had to pull down his breeches and stand there with his pants around his ankles, vulnerable to attack! The invention of the fly (by Giuseppe Wrangler) changed all that. They could hold a sword in one hand and still take care of business.

Cowboys were saved a lot of injury by the invention of snap shirts. In the 18th century, people were serious about buttons. They were big, made of cast iron or elephant tusk and sewed on with rawhide. They were meant to stay buttoned.

So when a big steer stuck his horn under your shirt, it was like putting a handle on a cowboy! They could pick him off his horse and sling him into the Palo Duro Canyon. Or if the cowboy hooked his shirt over the saddle horn, he was there for the whole ride! Like being hooked to a paint shaker. The buttons held. So snaps on the cowboy shirt let him escape … like a lizard’s tail that breaks off in an emergency. Now that’s functional clothing.


The new Speedo swimsuit, using polyethylene and computational fluid dynamics, is acknowledged by the International Swimming Federation as an advantage in swimming meets.

I’m looking beyond the Olympics for other uses. For instance, in nursing homes, it would allow residents to get to the dining area quicker. Or how ‘bout suiting up the cruising farmer who patrols the country roads at 20 mph looking for stuff to scavenge, as traffic backs up behind him for two miles? It would make his arm out the window more aerodynamic.

Or maybe the Pro-Rodeo Cowboys Association could allow barrel racers, team ropers and calf ropers to wear them? Although it’s hard to imagine Joe Beaver in a Speedo! The image of a Sumo wrestler in a cowboy hat comes to mind. PD