To be a vet out in the country,
That was her biggest hope and dream –
She’d heal the sick and broken critters
with her little country team.
She learned to preg and palpate,
suture, stitch and fix the lame.
She could take the meanest prolapse
and shove it back from whence it came.
The folks, they came from miles around
and brought their cows and sheep and cats
To the handiest doggone cowgirl vet to ever crease a beaver hat.
She’d collect a stud horse in the morning,
Then ‘til noon, she’d spay and neuter,
Vax cows ‘til quarter after dark,
Then balance books on her computer.
She knew a horse, inside and out.
Other patients moo, and quack and cluck.
She turned down no furry or feathered friend,
And she’d step on one that’s known to buck.
She could birth a batch of bulldogs
Or dive shoulder deep into a Charolais parturition
Her favorite vacay’s not to Spain or France,
It’s a week at Agribition.
She’s friendly, and she’s cordial.
She’s all business, but polite.
Her clients may drive her crazy,
But it’s not those that poop and bite.
If you wonder what I’m talkin’ ‘bout
And want to know some more,
Just hang on to your biffies,
I have a tale in store.
It was just a normal Tuesday,
No real wrecks had yet been had,
When a woman called the office,
Said her pooch was feeling bad.
She said he sure was hurtin’
And she loved him something fierce
She begged our vet to take a look
After fixing some geldings north of Pearce.
A time was set, appointments made,
They figured out just when
And the mistress brought her doggie in
At quarter after ten.
The wiener dog was in a box.
The anxious matron? Worried.
So our heroine rushed home from her equine chores.
You might even say that she hurried.
The tiny hound was healthy and plump.
He wasn’t hurt too bad.
He packed a hind wheel and whimpered a lot,
But a hangnail was all that he had.
She slid open the lock that held poochie in
And gently reached into the cell
The rest is a blur, but I’m telling you now,
She unleashed a creature from hell.
The mutt screamed like a lion from the Height of the Rockies.
He snarled and grabbed hold of her hand.
She yanked her arm back – with the dog still attached –
And wasn’t quite sure where he land.
She spun round like a pony on a run at The Showdown,
Unsure where the devil might be.
Before she could think or utter a word,
The Satan latched onto her knee.
She screamed like a girl, (Well … ’cause that’s what she was)
And she grabbed the small beast by the ears,
Flipped him up on the table, she now had him subdued,
But that wasn’t the end of her fears.
As she sat on the dog while he yelped and he howled,
She knew she had but one shot at his toe.
She reached for her clippers, and swift as an eagle,
whacked off the bad claw there below.
Now, where was the box or the cage or … whatever?
It must be behind that old chair.
“I’m sure I can do it,” she thought to herself.
Trouble is, I’m here, and it’s there.
It was five steps away, but she made it in one –
Her swiftness like that of a fox.
With a twist of her hips and a swing of her shoulders,
The dachshund ended up in the box.
He bit her once more as she slammed shut the door,
It bled, and it hurt like the dickens.
She gave it no heed as it started to bleed,
And she thought, “I’ve been bit worse by chickens.”
When mama arrived at ten before five,
and lady vet told her the tale.
Tears came to her eyes and her lip was a-quiver,
There was pain in the sound of her wail.
“I’m sorry you went through this terrible trial.
You ought not to have suffered such pain.
I promise, I’ll fix it, you poor little dear. This shall never happen again.”
“Well, we all love these creatures, the great and the small,”
The vet exclaimed as she closed out her log.
It was then that she noticed, the knot-headed client
Was speaking to only the dog.
