LEGAL DISCLAIMER: The following ideas, opinions and random thoughts are NOT necessarily those of this magazine, its affiliates, advertisers, friends, relatives, my ex’s, rodeo clowns or anyone who does not have a sense of humor.

Moffett tim
Tim’s Stand-up Comedy Special “MILK’N IT!!” is available on YouTube. Go to his website to find li...

The opinions expressed in this commentary are those of a dairy farmer who has milked and owned every breed of cow available from sale barns, dairy dispersal sales and even Craigslist.

He loves all cows and is not biased.

The following article is for entertainment purposes only. If you cannot laugh at the following statements, please get over yourself. You’re not that important.

I am a professional and please do not attempt this at home.


I recently entertained the Virginia Holstein Association at their 100-year celebration banquet. Congratulations! We had a blast. I had to talk a little slower and bust out the crayons for the Virginia Tech fans, but they were able to comprehend most of my jokes.

I heard the hotel rooms were beautiful. The hotel lost my reservation so I spent the night in the back of a Select Sires truck. I woke up at the bull facility in Plain City, Ohio. Let’s just say I’m kind of a legend there now.

I wonder if I’ll ever be invited to the Guernsey Association’s 100-year anniversary banquet? Seems like every Guernsey I’ve ever owned was just born looking for a place to die. In fact, my brother and I purchase one Guernsey cow a year.

We figure if some strange disease or virus enters the farm, the Guernsey will be the first one to get it and take it with her. On my farm, this has proven to be a very successful vaccination program.

A Jersey cow grazing in green pastures or even printed on a milk carton looks like a Norman Rockwell painting until I try putting a milking machine on one of these stomping, kicking, over-sized Chihuahuas. In a flash, the beautiful painting turns into some abstract art piece by a guy on mushrooms who was finger painting.

My cousin, a Guernsey farmer, says about me milking Jersey cows, “I’m too lazy to milk a real cow and too proud to milk a goat.”

In my 45 years, I have not figured out the Brown Swiss cow. Half Holstein, half Jersey and half donkey. Why donkey? Because all I’ve ever gotten from a Brown Swiss is a small-ass milk check. For a cow that was originally from the Swiss Alps and supposedly adaptable to all climate conditions, when it comes to being happy, this cow is like a mother-in-law … write your own joke.

And the most-milked cow in the world is the Holstein. Holstein-Friesian is a German name that when translated means “high maintenance.” She is famous for Chik-fil-A commercials, tacky printed apparel and keeping the feed companies in business. This poor cow would starve to death in a field of fresh grass.

Although they are considered high producers, they are also the largest welfare recipients on the farm. A herd of Holstein cows sounds just like a herd of politicians. Maybe that’s why the Virginia Holstein Association has lasted 100 years? They are literally right down the road from Washington, D.C.  end mark

Tim Moffett