Years ago, as I flipped the chart of papers from the young farmers' seminar in St. John’s, Newfoundland, a phrase caught my eye. A young producer had shared that one of the key insights of the day was “I am not alone.”
Farm families are quite surprised to hear me affirm them with the words “you are not alone” in their journey of conflict. Many families across the country are quick to hide what is really going on inside the farm kitchen. They are proud, independent, self-sufficient entrepreneurs who have no desire to “air their dirty laundry.” The funny thing about iconic Newfoundland pictures is you will often see an artist’s rendering of the laundry being strung out to dry with the sea winds.
In June, during our Farming’s In-Law Factor virtual event, a young mom told the story of her big breakthrough when she finally reached out to her mother-in-law and directly asked for help. She came to understand one of my coaching phrases, “Love does not read minds.” You can’t assume your spouse or parents know what you need. You don’t have to suffer alone. Ask.
Don’t let your family issues go on autopilot and drift. Use the thinking and reflecting time on the tractor to set up a game plan to embrace your farm team in a great strategic vision session. During the busier times of the year, a rallying cry for many farm families is “How do we block time for fun?” It takes intentional planning to take a few hours off to share rodeo memories with your children, and really be present to create those memories. You might need to ask a neighbour to swap time to do chores so you can stay a few hours longer at a wedding or family gathering.
I see young farm moms venting their frustration on social media about the lack of time for family on farms. It would be great to check in with the younger farm parents in your area (male and female) to see how you might lend a hand in being an emotional support. You can also challenge the current thinking by saying, “Where is it written we must work every day on this farm?"
Who is your emotional support group beyond the farm? I get more support from actual conversations on my phone when scrolling social media can be more of a time-waster. As a young mom, I shared a weekly date in helping care for my friend’s son every Thursday, and she returned the favour on Tuesdays. This gave us each one day a week to call our own for other projects and tasks without the extra stress of keeping young kids safe.
My grandchildren have a book called Dadurday which is a play on words for having Dad around on Saturday. The children in the story make lists of what they would like to do with Dad when he is not working. Farming can be a 24-7 demand, but you must draw some boundaries for self-care, marriage time and family expectations. My grandkids sometimes make lists of the special things they would like to do with Dad on Sundays. On Sundays, we rest, go to church, have family time and let go of the farm work.
We have the technology to set timers and reminders on our phones. Set an alarm to remember to jump off your hay mower to put kids to bed, tuck them in and read stories. The currency of time in 2022 is likely as important as the currency of dollars.
Can you reach out and ask for help? When you get badly stuck during seeding, you quickly ask for help because time is of the essence. Recall what it feels like to be stuck, frustrated and feeling helpless to get out of the mess you are in.
The dance between work and play is ongoing on farms. Every season is a new opportunity to challenge how you have been doing things, ask for help and let go of what is not working.
Conflict is not bad; it just needs to be resolved. Being lonely and isolated is not good for your mental wellness. Working your body too hard will land you in trouble. You are not a machine. You need to block time for self-care, fun and family relationships.
Strong families celebrate, communicate and connect with their community. With social media, you may think you belong to many communities. Who really knows what is going on at your farm? It is time to be transparent with a mentor you can trust and reach out for creative solutions to “being alone.” Pretending that all is well on the farm to protect your image and feed your pride is not helping you craft the healthy legacy that will sustain a profitable farm. Venting on social media about your family situations may create a fleeting sense of relief, but ultimately you need to act to adopt a new family pattern for your farm family.
You are not alone. Help is a cellphone call away, and a click on the internet. Make the call. Build a campfire with your kids. Play.
Remember, it is your farm, your family and your choice. Make great choices for family time.
