Within any group of individuals there will be a wide range of attitudes, self-confidence, motivations, worldviews and personal preferences. Consider this example: There is one family member with a consistent tendency to overreact to common situations in the workplace such as which family members or employees will do specific tasks, who is chosen to operate certain equipment or slight changes in work schedules. They seem to be easily offended or inconvenienced and tend to be in the middle of any drama that occurs.
A different family member is thoughtful, logical and reasonable when asked to do different tasks or if plans are changed through the day. They are emotionally steady, avoid gossip and drama, and if conflicts arise, they are quick to help resolve them and return to the task at hand.
In observing these two very different individuals, the contrast between them is their level of emotional intelligence. A person’s EQ, or emotional quotient, is a measure of emotional intelligence and reflects their ability to understand how the emotions and needs of themselves and others shape their interactions and regulate their responses accordingly.
In the example above, the family member who is easily offended and inconvenienced would be considered to have a low EQ, and the individual with more appropriate emotional responses would have a high EQ.
Emotional intelligence has become a significant topic for development and mentoring as well as a key criterion for management and leadership positions.
The need for emotional intelligence has never been greater. A growing number of people lack the ability to respond to situations in an emotionally mature and reasonable manner. Many supervisors are recognizing that some of their employees simply cannot accept anything negative about themselves, even if it is done very constructively and tactfully.
Individual levels of self-awareness are waning as well. Not only do people with a low EQ lack the ability to respond more appropriately to a variety of situations, they are completely unaware of their lack of ability in this area. If they make inappropriate comments in private or group interactions, they cannot read the reactions of others to those comments, are unable to process well-meaning suggestions intended to help them improve and may blame others for their insensitive behaviors and remarks.
Understanding our own EQ requires the ability to understand three key elements of our interactions with others. First, we need to understand our personal tendencies toward different reactions in a variety of situations. Next, we need to recognize the different types of responses that are most appropriate. Finally, we need to act in a manner that is most suitable for the situation. These three elements of understanding, recognition and action provide a framework for enhancing our own emotional intelligence as well as those we interact with on a regular basis.
Observing behaviors
The behaviors we observe in individuals with a high EQ include an ability to thoughtfully consider and discern their feelings, pausing before reacting and seeking to personally benefit from criticism or correction. In their interactions with others, it is easy for them to demonstrate empathy, offer praise and encouragement, provide helpful feedback and seek forgiveness. These individuals are very hard to inconvenience or offend. They are able to keep a healthy emotional distance even in personally tense interactions. Personal emotions are never the main driver of their responses or reactions. They have feelings just like everyone else, but those feelings are not the main source of how they make decisions, respond to situations or manage their life.
These individuals have the ability to ask themselves three questions before they share any response to a comment or react to a situation. If they mentally answer each of these questions with a “yes,” then they will often provide a response:
- Does something need to be said?
- Does it need to be said by me?
- Does it need to be said right now?
Toxic people have very little effect on them or their attitude throughout the day. They self-regulate their emotions and impulses even when they are dealing with personal issues that are currently having an emotional impact on them. People with a high EQ are seen as authentic and genuine. They are quick to give others the benefit of the doubt and easily let go of their own mistakes as well as those of others. Even in challenging situations where they are completely unfamiliar or lack experience, they are calm, interested, interactive and pleasant. They stay engaged and make the most of the situation they find themselves in. These individuals may have significant challenges in their life, but no one other than their closest friends know the details.
Consider these strategies to help others develop their EQ:
- Set very clear behavioral expectations and reinforce them when the person acts inappropriately – even in the moment they occur.
- Recognize and reward examples of high EQ. Let them know you appreciate their maturity and their appropriate responses to difficult situations.
- Include a rating of emotional intelligence in performance reviews. Establish parameters for appropriate and inappropriate emotional responses and coach them toward a higher EQ.
- Do not promote those who lack emotional intelligence. Never allow the person with the lowest level of emotional maturity to be involved in making decisions for the company, and be sure that these individuals are not promoted to positions of management or leadership.
We need to help our people improve their emotional habits and patterns of behavior, not just their physical work habits. Emotions are very stubborn things, so this will require time and patience.
