I have had many conversations with my clients about past emotional conversations and assisting them in preparing for an upcoming conversation they fear may become emotional. This article is to assist you in preparing to succeed as a beef producer supervisor in those conversations.

Milligan bob
Bob Milligan
Professor Emeritus / Cornell University

Please keep in mind the following as you read this article and implement what you learn:

  • Almost all issues have two sides.
  • Active listening is critical to all conversations. We tend to view listening as a passive activity. Great listening is a highly active and challenging task. It is often more difficult than speaking.
  • A skill that can make you a better communicator is a short pause after the other person has finished speaking. This allows you to make a more thoughtful response.
  • Emotions are a normal part of emotional conversations; you must control your emotions and monitor the employee’s emotions.

There are two categories of potentially emotional conversations:

  1. Situations where you need to speak with your employee, usually about performance or behavior.
  2. Situations where the employee comes to you. They could have an idea or a request or an issue with their job, with a fellow employee or with you.

We start by addressing the second category – the employee initiates the conversation. Proceed as follows:

  • Quickly ascertain whether this is a request or other topic that can be handled quickly. If the answer is yes, quickly handle it.
  • If the conversation is likely to be more intense, emotional or time-consuming, be certain that you have time to make the discussion a priority and that you are in a place to hold a private conversation, without interruption. If you do not have time now to make the conversation a priority, ascertain that the issue is not urgent and schedule a time for the conversation. If it is urgent, make time.
  • When you have the conversation, begin by asking the employee to explain the request or issue. Make certain that all aspects of the request or issue are clear to you before you respond. In difficult conversations, it is common for the employee to stop without sharing all details. The employee is consciously or subconsciously checking to see that you are interested. To make certain you have a complete understanding, you can say “tell me more” or “and what else” or similar.
  • Double check that your understanding is correct by stating your understanding of the situation and any emotions you observe in the employee and be certain the employee agrees with your understanding. When stating the employee’s emotion, make certain you say: “I understand you are angry/upset/concerned/interested/etc.”
    Never say: “You make me (emotion).”
  • Now and only now should you engage in a discussion to reach a mutually beneficial solution. You will be tempted to provide your solutions to the issue. In most situations, a joint problem-solving discussion provides a better result. Start by asking the employee for his or her ideas or solutions. I like to call these initial suggested solutions drafts.
  • Conclude the discussion by repeating the jointly derived solution and agreeing to the next step.
  • Throughout the discussion, monitor the employee’s and your emotions. If either becomes defensive, frustrated or angry, take a break or reschedule to a later specified time. Indicate that the issue is important and more productive discussions occur when emotions ease. With children, we refer to these breaks as time out.

The second process for when you have feedback or a request to share is more like the first than you might think:

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  • If this is something that is unlikely to be difficult or emotional like routine instructions, positive feedback or expected redirection feedback, quickly handle it.
  • If the conversation is likely to be more intense, emotional or time-consuming, be certain that you select a time when you and the employee can make the discussion a priority and that you are in a place to hold a private conversation, without interruption. 
  • Explain the purpose of the conversation – the performance/behavior or other reason for meeting in detail, without suggesting your solution. Make certain that the employee understands the reason for the conversation. If needed, you can double-check that the employee understands by asking him or her to restate the reason for the meeting.
  • Now and only now should you engage in a discussion of the change needed, although the employee may have already started to provide his or her side of the situation. You will be tempted to provide the change you have decided upon – redirection feedback, negative feedback, a significant request. In most situations you should start by asking the employee for his or her perspective. After hearing the employee’s perspective, provide your potentially modified change and engage in any needed discussion.
  • Conclude the discussion by repeating the agreed-upon needed change and agree to the next step.
  • Throughout the discussion, monitor the employee’s and your emotions. If either becomes defensive, frustrated or angry, take a break or reschedule to a later specific time. Indicate that the issue is important and more productive discussion occurs when emotions ease.

I expect that you will think this seems complicated and time-consuming. Fortunately, most conversations will be handled in the first step of the two processes. For conversations that are challenging and that could become emotional, I believe these two processes will be valuable. There are three key ingredients in these processes:

  1. The importance of active listening
  2. The need for including the employee’s perspective and/or ideas
  3. The importance of monitoring the employee’s and your emotions