We’d all like to think we’re perfect. Nobody’s perfect, except for Chris Farley in the movie Tommy Boy. We all make mistakes and, supposedly, we learn from them. So, class: “What have we learned this year?”

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Tim’s Stand-up Comedy Special “MILK’N IT!!” is available on YouTube. Go to his website to find li...

Well, we’ve learned some mistakes can be costly, and other mistakes can be downright hilarious. For instance, me pulling out on the highway with a loaded manure wagon, no flashers or signals, and forgetting to latch the back gate will get me a $300 traffic ticket from my second cousin, the sheriff’s deputy. The fact he was on motorcycle patrol behind me when the back door sprung open … well worth the money.

Over the age of 70, it’s acceptable to blame some mishaps on old age. I can’t use that excuse yet. I went to see my dying grandpa in the hospital. I was just hoping to talk to him one last time. As I got close to the bed, held his hand and leaned in to kiss his forehead, he said, “Who are you?!” That’s when I realized I was in the wrong room.

I didn’t get the chance to ask my grandpa about my ancestors, and I had questions. Like, where did my name originate? Am I related to anyone famous? Why am I fat? So I decided to send a DNA sample to Ancestry.com to find my family’s lineage. Somehow, I got my DNA samples confused with some milk samples for DHIA. I got a letter back from Ancestry.com. Test results showed I was from a long line of vegetarians with Swiss cheese descent. DHIA results weren’t as favorable.

And I quote, “Her milk is closer to motor oil than milk. We here at DHIA have never seen a cow with such poor genetics. Our findings show this cow would probably have a tendency to create massive amounts of methane and walk around in circles.


You would do the entire dairy industry a great service by not breeding this cow. We had to buy a whole new test lab after running your sample. By the way, our services are no longer available in your area. Meaning your county. Your road. More specifically, your farm.”

Sometimes human blunders can actually turn out for the good. Case in point. I went in for my yearly dentist appointment, which happens to be in the same building next door to Dr. Burrows, the local gastroenterologist. (For the Ohio State graduates, that’s a doctor who performs colonoscopies. Still confused? Ask your parole officer.

Anyway, I ran into an old friend and started chatting. I totally lost my train of thought and walked in the wrong door. They took me back, made me lie down and told me to get comfortable. I thought, “Wow! My old dentist must have retired.

This new guy must do some type of new-fandangled Eastern medicine technique.” Then the procedure started, and I thought, “Wow! This new technique sure seems like the long way home – it’s like driving from Texas to Illinois through San Francisco.” To my amazement, my teeth were so clean that when I walked, my rear end whistled.

“The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything.”
—Theodore Roosevelt end mark

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