I was at the state fair with my cousin, and we were walking down the midway. He noticed a rather large woman eating a fried Snickers bar and said to me, “If that woman had a beard, she could be in a circus.” I just wanted to know where she got the fried Snickers.
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Tim’s Stand-up Comedy Special “MILK’N IT!!” is available on YouTube. Go to his website to find li...

Some fairs are making vendors post nutrition facts on their menus. I asked one of the fair managers about the new guidelines. But first, I reminded her that most people at the fair just point to a picture of what they want. That’s especially true for the little ones – they can’t actually read yet. Then she got personal and said to me, “Tim, you need to be more conscious and aware of what you’re eating and putting in your mouth. And what you’re teaching our kids to eat.” Had she been talking to my doctor? I replied, “More conscious? It’s not like I black out and wake up thinking, ‘How did this food get into my mouth?’”

So the powers that be are concerned about our calorie intake of a funnel cake, but somehow that can of Raid to kill fair flies on the table isn’t harmful? Heck, the first thing I always buy at the fair is a sausage dog. And it’s normally about two bites in that I think to myself, “I wonder how long it’s been since they inspected this meat? Is this even meat?” Recently, I ate a caramel George Washington apple. I don’t know how fresh that apple was because I’m pretty sure he hasn’t grown any apples in a while now.

I always buy a 44-ounce drink of some kind in a big ol’ cup to take to the fair. People ask me why I always buy such a large drink. My reply is always, “Have you seen the port-o-johns at the fair? I need options.” By the way, did you know that port-o-johns have an echo? You know port-o-johns are bad when you can overhear the pigs in the pig barn saying, “Hey buddy! Light a match, would ya!” I think it should be a state law that if you happen to see someone take a book into a port-o-john, you are legally allowed to push the port-o-john over.

My nephew used a port-o-john as his junior high science fair project, which was displayed at the fair. It was a regular old aquarium with frogs, fish and lily pads with cat tails. My nephew was trying to prove that manure and methane doesn’t harm the environment like his teacher said it does. Unfortunately, out of desperation after his morning coffee and halfway through his morning cigar, my uncle had to use the port-o-john near the science fair display. His own methane and cigar incident turned my nephew’s aquarium project into a food stand selling smoked fish and frog legs.


Since then, my nephew has been quite successful selling his new-found fair food from his own food truck – Swim Meat. Meanwhile, my cousin is trying to get his new girlfriend to grow a beard. Keep milk’n it!  

Visit Tim at Tim the Dairy Farmer.