When did I turn into my grandpa? He always made grunting noises every time he got out of his chair. Now I’m doing it. How did I throw my hip out of joint during dinner? And where did this ear hair come from?
Moffett tim
Tim’s Stand-up Comedy Special “MILK’N IT!!” is available on YouTube. Go to his website to find li...

My eyebrows are growing 2 centimeters every night, and I don’t make jokes about hemorrhoids anymore. I had bloodwork done, and my doctors says my blood resembled pork rinds. The doctor then said that we need to talk about my A1C. A1C? I had no idea what he was talking about. I thought we were playing bingo, then I said, “A1C. You just sunk my battleship!”

I remember during my teens and early 20s looking at people in their 50s and thinking how old they were. Like, life for them was almost over – and surely they only eat wheat bran and soft foods. Now I’m in my 50s, and I look at people in their early 30s as if they’re babies.

I’m 52. I thought by now I would have become wiser and more mature. Mentally, I’m still 12, but I can’t stand loud music in restaurants anymore. I think everyone drives too fast, and the music I grew up listening to is now on the classic rock or oldies country station. I’d rather watch re-runs of All in the Family than watch the news.

And the news. When I do watch the evening news, I spend more time yelling at the television than listening. And why is it that every other commercial on television is some kind of new drug I need to be taking? I was watching a drug commercial recently and felt like I experience all the symptoms that were listed. So I’ve been on a heartworm medication for a month and my hair is shiny.


I don’t care if my clothes match anymore. I dress for functionality and comfort these days. For some reason, I like polyester. Waistbands need to stretch and things need to breathe. I seem to be hungry for supper at 4 p.m. and fall asleep during Wheel of Fortune. I’ve been eating more pudding for dessert. Nowadays, I always order the buffet. Not because I want to, but they seem to be printing dinner menus with smaller font. Even with my glasses on, it’s too dark in the restaurant to read.

I have an entire drawer in my kitchen full of bread bag ties and keys that I don’t remember what they go to. I now have house slippers and I’m admiring Velcro shoes from a distance. I started collecting coupons and saving pennies in a jar.

It won’t be long before I’m sitting in the local Hardee’s every morning at 5:30 a.m. wearing my Def Leppard T-shirt. I’ll be drinking coffee and talking about how things used to be to everyone who will make eye contact with me. Keep milkin’ it.  

Visit Tim at Tim the Dairy Farmer.