Lesson learned. If you think you can skip just one farm-related meeting, you are wrong. Whether it is a co-op, local FFA, fundraiser or church business meeting – you have to be there. I missed one last month, and much to my dismay I was voted director of events for the Farm and Quilt Fest.

Moffett tim
Comedian
Tim’s Stand-up Comedy Special “MILK’N IT!!” is out on YouTube. His new book Corn Cobs and Chaos i...

I have never quilted or fested. The only thing I know about quilting is what my old football coach taught me. “Quilters never win and winners never quilt.”

If you’re not sure what a Farm Fest and Quilt Show is, neither am I. Allow me to explain what I think it is. It is a place where hopelessly bored retired farmers decide to showcase skills that have not been used for the last hundred years so city folk can wander around and think all farmers are Amish.

My cousin who has a robotic milker, GPS-guided tractors and a drone crop sprayer has now decided to showcase his ability at the festival of grinding cane and making syrup out of daffodils.

And antique farm equipment? I don’t know why people who don’t throw anything away get credit as being an antique farm equipment connoisseur. Scrap metal is $15 a pound. Scrap the old loader; pay off the farm.

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My lazy neighbor, whose farm we refer to as “Sanford and Son,” has a collection of antique plows you pull manually. I don’t think you have to use the word antique – because I’m not sure they make a modern plow you pull manually.

I was forced to find somebody to be a quilt appraiser. I didn’t know there was such a thing as a quilt appraiser. I just thought if a quilt kept me warm, it was a good quilt. If the quilt didn’t keep me warm, I gave it to my brother. Second criteria: Did it make me itchy?

After those two things, a blue ribbon can be handed out. Now, I don’t mean to “needle” anyone who is into quilting. (See what I did there; that’s what they call a “pun” on Wikipedia.) But aren’t there better ways than to take scraps of clothing your family no longer wants to wear and turn them into something someone from New York City will spend $500 on to put on a bed that no friends will come to sleep in?

I mean, for goodness sake, men just got over the fact that we can’t move those little tiny pillows on the bed. We can’t even use them for lumbar support. I find this quilting thing sew-sew. (And again, see what I did there?)

I asked one woman what the quilt was filled with and how was it supposed to keep me warm. She said “It’s not – it’s a quilt for hanging on the wall.” Well, that stopped me in my tracks. Quilts are for beds, and mirrors are for walls.

I don’t tuck myself under a painting for bed. If I look at my bedspread and see my reflection back, I know the world has gone crazy. A quilt to keep the wall warm – that had me in “stitches.” (OK, I swear that’s the last one.)

In the spirit of next year’s event, I have started collecting used antique fence staples. I’m also saving my old boots. I plan to make flowerpots out of them. Yep, I’m starting to see a “pattern” here. (I don’t think I can stop myself.) PD

Tim is a Florida dairy farmer and stand-up comedian. For more quilting tips, visit his website.