Well, now they are potty-training cows. I learned how to do it only to prove to my mom I was smarter than my brother. That’s right, they now have developed livestock latrines – or what scientists are calling a MooLoo.

Moffett tim
Tim’s Stand-up Comedy Special “MILK’N IT!!” is available on YouTube. Go to his website to find li...

What’s next? Are they going to start making bidets for ducks? Because they’d love it.

Cows are getting potty trained to reduce greenhouse emissions. All of a sudden, that toilet in my neighbor’s front yard is starting to make sense. A lot of people think toilets for cows are dumb. I have no idea how much money was spent on this research, but I do know these cow diapers are getting expensive. I think a potty-training research program would be much more well suited if it was done on the streets of San Francisco or at any state fair or airplane lavatory.

This project only trained calves to urinate, not defecate. After 15 days, they had successfully potty trained 11 of the 16 calves. Which, according to my aunt, is good. Because my uncle is 62 years old, and she says he’s accurate in a 10-acre field. Honestly, I don’t have time to potty train cows or worry about greenhouse emissions. You know how long it takes to bring coal up to the barn to burn in the furnace?

Some people in the world believe cows are going to kill all of civilization. Cow farts are burning a hole in the ozone, and not consuming red meat will lower carbon emissions. I would believe this too – if every cow on the planet was forced to only eat Taco Bell and drive an 18-wheeler or private jet to the next grazing area. Is anyone telling this message to the Hindus? I think most Hindus are gonna be a little upset when “scientists” start accusing their deceased grandma of a tidal wave in Indonesia because she just let a “right cheek sneak.”


I always thought the methane tax was a little outlandish. If you haven’t heard of the methane tax, it encompasses everything from cattle farms to vegetable farms and everything in between. Every farm in America is taxed on the amount of methane coming off of it. My first question was, “Is it just for the animals?” Because, if not, my grandpa alone is gonna put me out of business. He starts every day with a full pot of coffee … I’m just saying.

Secondly, how do you know when a fish farts? Do you count the bubbles and divide by three? If a tree farts in the forest, and no one is around, does it make a sound? Wow! I just thought of something. What if that’s where maple syrup comes from?

PHOTO: Provided by Tim Moffett.