Most farmers learned how to drive at the age of 13 on a tractor or truck in the middle of the field. Yet, if you’ve followed any farmer meandering through county roads before, you may have wondered if that person driving is having a medical emergency or partook in a few too many barley sodas at the local watering hole.
You see, being in a truck and driving around is an integral part of any farming operation and shouldn’t be taken lightly. A farmer’s truck can be identified by a few obscurities – and by a few obscurities, I mean about 14 county moving violations. A real farm truck is one that has the keys left in the ignition because there is no fear of anyone wanting it and 17 people waving to the driver on the way out of town. This mode of transportation should have a crack across the windshield, and the farmer knows exactly which truck threw the rock that hit the windshield and gives the owner of said truck grief whenever they can.
The inside of the truck should have dust covering everything and enough blood stains to keep a forensic team busy for weeks. The passenger floor should be covered in fast-food bags and styrofoam boxes from the local auction barn. This will all be covering a floorboard of coffee cups that make a distinct tinkle every time a corner is taken too sharply or there's an event of sudden braking. These coffee cups have been the issue of the last three marital fights, to the point where the accused had to find their way into a HomeGoods store and buy the 36-pack of coffee cups, which don’t match anything else in the cupboard. There should also be very important land leases, bank documents and a few unpaid tickets scattered throughout the truck.
This truck may also have a firearm or two, in case of an errant coyote trotting across the field. Most farmers don’t have an issue with vegan coyotes. However, most of the ones in the country tend to have a palate for calves and chickens, which can cause some level of discord with those who care for animals.
A truck like this has also been banned from all local Jiffy Lubes, as the undercarriage is covered in 6 inches of mud and smells like a mixture of silage juice and death. Some trucks will have a fuel tank in the back for red-dye diesel and some trucks contain their red-dye diesel in the regular fuel tank for efficiency purposes. The more impoverished farmers will have a “perfect rock” for sticking under the fuel handle, so we can create an environmental hazard when we take a phone call and forget about the pump going.
A farm truck should also have a brag-worthy number of miles on the odometer and wobble every time it goes over 65.
We haven’t even covered the driving of said truck because driving 25 in a 35 is a way to get a view of cows and crops. It is especially important to scope out the neighbors’ fields to see what variety of corn they planted and identify the reason why their yield will be terrible, so it can be brought up over coffee. Driving around is also a great way to see what political candidates the farmers’ field landlords are supporting and take a mental note. This mental note will come in handy when it comes time to renew the lease and they can make a couple of observations about something they saw on either Fox News or CNN, whichever ideology will assure the land deal.
The farm truck is an office and a carrier of employees, farm parts and calves. It is a place of solitude and an embarrassment to the kids and wife. It is a chance for a rookie sheriff to set a ticket-writing record. Yet, there is no place I’d rather be.
