They say that “shoes make the man.” My mom used to say to me, “Never judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes.”
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That being said, what am I supposed to think when I see a 6-foot-8, 350-pound man walking out of Walmart wearing dove shorts and a pair of 8-inch red pumps, carrying a case of Milwaukee’s Best and pork rinds? And then hops into a Toyota Prius and drives away with a “Save the Whales” bumper sticker? I try not to judge, but I got to wonder.

Did this guy just lose a poker game and his buddies made him do a beer run dressed like that? Maybe his wife just left him, burned all his clothes and that’s the only outfit she left behind? The big man buying beer and pork rinds made sense to me. The shorts looked comfortable, but the shoes threw me for a loop. He’s nearly 7 feet tall, so I don’t think the pumps were to make him taller.

I’m still not trying to judge. Maybe he has falling arches and his podiatrist recommended 8-inch pumps to build up his calf muscles? I need to talk to this guy. So now the big guy buying beer in medically prescribed shoes makes sense to me, but the Prius and the bumper sticker? The car was tighter on him than the dove shorts. If he sneezed, that electric car would have backfired.

If he loves bacon, why would he be concerned about the whales? Whales have blubber, which is the same as pork rinds. Maybe he cried during that movie Free Willy and Shamu was his nickname in elementary school. No, wait. I’ll bet his ex-wife burned all his clothes in his truck. That’s it. This big man was thirsty, his clothing options were limited, but he still had a doctor’s note for the shoes. And he borrowed the car from his sister … the one who lives in a van down by the river.


So I took the high road and I didn’t judge. It just took me an hour in the parking lot to process what I had just seen and totally forgot what I came to Walmart for. As far as the “shoes make the man” saying, I now believe it to be true. Because if it hadn’t been for the red 8-inch pumps, I would have thought I had just seen Richard Simmons’ dad again.

Oh my. I’m still here in the parking lot and I just saw another person walk out. I can already see the mohawk hair, a spiked dog collar, onesie pajamas and cowboy boots with an iguana on their shoulder. I will not judge. I will not judge. I will not judge.