Dear Santa, I hope all is well with you, Mrs. Claus and the elves. I know I haven’t written in a long time, but many things have changed since you were here last Christmas. I just wanted to give you a heads up.

Moffett tim
Tim’s Stand-up Comedy Special “MILK’N IT!!” is available on YouTube. Go to his website to find li...

They’ve been telling us for months now you were gonna have trouble getting presents made this year. And one guy even said we should cancel Christmas. I’m really hoping he’s on your “naughty list.” If he’s not, you’ll know him when you get to his house. He’s some kind of doctor and kinda resembles one of your elves that’s been smoking three packs of Camels a day since he was seven. I’m just assuming – but his house is probably filled with boxes of petri dishes, redacted emails and empty Chinese food containers.

Are you having trouble getting any elves to work these days? Apparently, some people here are still on Christmas vacation from last year. So they may not be home. Did you give these people some Christmas cash?

I still work like I always have, and yet I still struggle sometimes just to pay my taxes. I know my taxes are being spent to help the elderly, the veterans, the disabled, the homeless and less-fortunate legal citizens. That always makes me feel good. I believe we should help others all year, not just at Christmas or for a needed photo opportunity. By the way, in your travels to other countries on Christmas Eve, if you feel like the populations there may be a little less, that’s because they are here in the U.S. now.

How’s the weather in the North Pole? We heard it’s melting so fast you have to move. The Farmer’s Almanac says this is supposed to be one of the coldest winters we’ve had in a while. Good thing too because heating oils have only gone up 25 percent since last Christmas. Here’s a little heads up: If the reindeer are on strike and you need to put fuel in your sled, fill up before you get to North America. According to my GasBuddy app, the best place to fill up would be Russia. Apparently, they have a new pipeline that’s cheaper and greener. By cheaper, I mean politicians make more off the fuel than they did last Christmas. These people are public servants and could really use the Christmas bonus. In fact, there is one politician whose own son has had to sell finger paintings just to raise money for rehab.


Please be careful when you’re flying over the Middle East this year. Christmas came early for some radical people in Afghanistan. Whatever you do, don’t tell them you’re a Christian or that you’ve ever given a U.S. solider anything for Christmas.

I don’t need anything from you this year. My only Christmas ask from you is this: There were a lot of Christians, American citizens and some American allies left behind in Afghanistan. Please put all these people on your sled and bring them home safely.

God bless, God speed and Merry Christmas,

Tim the Dairy Farmer.